Boost your self-esteem

What is self-esteem?

Self-esteem is a term that is much bandied about nowadays, but what exactly is it? It’s a way of rating ourselves. Those of us who suffer from low self-esteem tend to rate ourselves very harshly, so that we feel a failure. Then we tend to act in a way (and think in a way) that seems to prove our rating of ourselves. That compounds the problem and makes us feel even worse. And so it goes on. Low self-esteem often stems from messages we received in childhood, for example by over-critical parents or by bullying at school (both by children and teachers). If someone calls you ‘an idiot’ or ‘useless’ enough times then it becomes part of your own image of yourself.

The consequences of low self-esteem

Low self-esteem greatly affects how we think and behave. It undermines our confidence in ourselves, so that we can become indecisive, ineffective or constantly put things off (procrastinate). It can make us too self-absorbed or insecure - too needy of positive attention from others. We can feel like one of life’s victims, when we attract everything bad. Or we can become over-competitive in an effort to prove our true worth. At its worst it can make us clinically depressed.

There is a physical cost as well. You can lose sleep and get stressed and exhausted, which itself leads to an increased risk of illness. And then there are the social costs, such as relationship and work difficulties and refusing yourself the social contact you deserve.

Learning to recognise the symptoms of low self-esteem is important, as this is the first step to doing something about it.

Challenge your negative thinking

Remember when I talked about your ‘image of yourself’ above? This shows how important our beliefs and images are in decreasing our self-esteem. When we are emotional we tend to think that our beliefs are facts. We also express our beliefs (either to ourselves or to others) in an exaggerated and unhelpful way. So we constantly say things like ‘I’m completely useless’ or ‘He never wants to spend time with me’ or ‘I should have done much better.’

These are beliefs, not facts, and they need challenging. Replacing unhelpful and unrealistic negative thinking is a key part of increasing your self-esteem. You must learn to replace your old beliefs with new ones - more compassionate, positive and helpful messages which will allow you to feel much better about yourself.

Act more effectively

Thinking patterns are important, but they are not the whole picture. There are so many things that you can do to raise your self-esteem, depending on what your personal issues and circumstances are, and what triggers your negative feelings. Effective interventions include the following:

• looking out for the trap of perfectionism, and learning to be happy with being ‘good enough’
• recognising that you are a fallible human being: accepting yourself as a complex person with good and bad characteristics – like all of us!
• becoming more confident by acting and behaving in a more confident manner (‘fake it to make it’)
• improving your communication skills by learning to be assertive and not taking things personally.

How coaching can help

Together with your coach you can work on raising your self-esteem and self-acceptance. This will be a forward looking, motivational and goal-oriented approach, taking into account all aspects of your life – your thinking skills, exercise, diet, social life, work-life balance and what triggers your negative feelings. Most important of all – you will be given the tools to become your own coach, so that you can remain a high-confidence, grounded individual whatever the circumstances.

Take action now!